(I’m told this was originally done by The Fiver on The Guardian website - hilarious)

7.30am: Wake up in hotel after poor night’s sleep. Mint hadn’t been left on pillow and room service never arrived. Muppets! This wouldn’t happen in Manchester. Decide to quit and go home.

7.32am: Change mind and go into bathroom for a shave. Damn! Forgot to bring razor. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. Scream at my reflection in mirror until it cowers in terror. Decide to quit and go home.

7.35am: Change mind, decide to calm down with brief workout, only to discover yoga mat hasn’t arrived. Call Mick McCarthy and tell him to stick it up his bollix. Decide to quit and go home.

7.40am: Change mind and write “to do” list: 1. Get Sunderland out of the relegation zone. 2. Send hampers full of kit, isotonic drinks, footballs and training cones to Late Wembley in preparation for 2011 FA Cup final. We might be in it.

7.42am: Decide to err on the side of caution by sending hampers to Cardiff too. Late Wembley might not be ready.

7.45am: Drag Triggs around Sunderland on end of lead. He clearly prefers Cheshire. Decide to quit and go home.

10am: Change mind and go for breakfast. Demand fresh fruit, cereal and pasta, but all they have left is kippers. Bah! Dead fish go with the flow.

10.05am: With vein in temple throbbing, demand to see hotel manager. Scream in his face, pull his arm off and beat him over the head with soggy end. “Take that you ****. And that! And don’t accuse me of faking injuries again.”

10.30am: Spend two hours trying to insert clothes hanger in mouth in preparation for meeting press. If they see me smiling they might not be so frightened.

12.30pm: Order fleet of 100 taxis and tell each of them to lead me to the Stadium Of Light so I can follow them. I don’t want to get lost and be late on my first day.

12.35pm: Gridlock! Abandon car and run to stadium. Traffic in Sunderland is terrible. What’s with all these taxis?

1pm: Sit down beside my new boss, Niall. Chair is too hard. This wouldn’t happen at Old Trafford. Decide to quit and go home.

1.01pm: Change mind, field questions and put paid to unfair reputation as psychotic Irishman by giving thoughtful, intelligent answers.

On my relationship with Mother Teresa: “I think it will be fine. A lot of people are making a big issue out of the past but we sorted it out a few months ago. I think it’s important to move on.”

On my reputation as a perfectionist: “All I expected from my team-mates was 100%. I never criticised people for having bad games, I criticised people for slacking off and not being focused on the job.”

On taking the Sunderland job: “It’s been a very hectic few days, I’m absolutely knackered already. Sunderland is a big club, with a beautiful stadium, a big fan base and I thought ‘why not?’” On my plans for the season: “Win the next game. I’ve brought Tony [Loughlan, head coach] with me; there are already good coaches at the club so I’m not looking to make too many changes too quickly. The players and staff deserve their chance.”

1.30pm: Leave press conference without reducing any hacks to tears. Decide to quit and go home.

(With thanks to Corkcityspur on FTL)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 30th, 2006 at 11:49 am and is filed under Sunderland. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments. Both comments and pings are currently closed.